I am often asked to describe the experience of living with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it and to imagine how it would feel.

It’s like this:

When you are finally ‘out on your own’ it is like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans:  the Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the Gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It’s all very exciting.  After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands.  The stewardess comes in and says, Welcome to Holland.

Holland? You say.  What do you mean, Holland.  I signed up for Italy!  I’m supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.

But there has been a change in the flight plan.  They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It’s just a different place.  So you must go out and buy new guidebooks.  And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you never would have met.

It’s just a different place.  It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say, Yes that’s where I was supposed to go.  That’s what I had planned.

The paid of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

– Emily Pearl Kingsley

Here are ten choices that ultimately lead to this phrase of regret, and how to elude them:

1. Wearing a mask to impress others. – If the face you always show the world is a mask, someday there will be nothing beneath it.  Because when you spend too much time concentrating on everyone else’s perception of you, or who everyone else wants you to be, you eventually forget who you really are.  So don’t fear the judgments of others; you know in your heart who you are and what’s true to you.  You don’t have to be perfect to impress and inspire people.  Let them be impressed and inspired by how you deal with your imperfections.
2. Letting someone else create your dreams for you. – The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are; the second greatest is being happy with what you find.  A big part of this is your decision to stay true to your own goals and dreams.  Do you have people who disagree with you?  Good.  It means you’re standing your ground and walking your own path.  Sometimes you’ll do things considered crazy by others, but when you catch yourself excitedly losing track of time, that’s when you’ll know you’re doing the right thing.  Read The 4-Hour Workweek.
3. Keeping negative company. – Don’t let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you.  Don’t let them get to you.  They can’t pull the trigger if you don’t hand them the gun.  When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, instead of an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of anxiety.
4. Being selfish and egotistical. – A life filled with loving deeds and good character is the best tombstone.  Those who you inspired and shared your love with will remember how you made them feel long after your time has expired.  So carve your name on hearts, not stone.  What you have done for yourself alone dies with you; what you have done for others and the world remains.
5. Avoiding change and growth. – If you want to know your past look into your present conditions.  If you want to know your future look into your present actions.  You must let go of the old to make way for the new; the old way is gone, never to come back.  If you acknowledge this right now and take steps to address it, you will position yourself for lasting success.  The Power of Habit.
6. Giving up when the going gets tough. – There are no failures, just results.  Even if things don’t unfold the way you had expected, don’t be disheartened or give up.  Learn what you can and move on.  The one who continues to advance one step at a time will win in the end.  Because the battle is always won far away and long before the final victory.  It’s a process that occurs with small steps, decisions, and actions that gradually build upon each other and eventually lead to that glorious moment of triumph.
7. Trying to micromanage every little thing. – Life should be touched, not strangled.    Sometimes you’ve got to relax and let life happen without incessant worry and micromanagement.  Learn to let go a little before you squeeze too tight.  Take a deep breath.  When the dust settles and you can once again see the forest for the trees, take the next step forward.  You don’t have to know exactly where you’re going to be headed somewhere great.  Everything in life is in perfect order whether you understand it yet or not.  It just takes some time to connect all the dots.
8. Settling for less than you deserve. – Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.  Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand up taller than you ever were before.  Sometimes your eyes need to be washed by your tears so you can see the possibilities in front of you with a clearer vision again.  Don’t settle.
9. Endlessly waiting until tomorrow. – The trouble is, you always think you have more time than you do.  But one day you will wake up and there won’t be any more time to work on the things you’ve always wanted to do.  And at that point you either will have achieved the goals you set for yourself, or you will have a list of excuses for why you haven’t.  Read The Last Lecture.
10. Being lazy and wishy-washy. – The world doesn’t owe you anything, you owe the world something.  So stop daydreaming and start DOING.  Develop a backbone, not a wishbone.  Take full responsibility for your life – take control.  You are important and you are needed.  It’s too late to sit around and wait for somebody to do something someday.  Someday is now; the somebody the world needs is YOU.

1. We need to change what we say and what we allow to be said in front of us.
2. There are infinite numbers of do overs for your teen girls.
3. The most powerful teaching moments are the ones where you screw up.
4. Do you light up when your kids are coming in the room or do you become the instant critic?
5. If we own the story then we can write the ending.
6. Every time you watch the Jersey Shore, a book commits suicide.
7. You need at least one friend who will help you move a body. No judgment. There in a second. No explanation.
8. Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.”
9. We have to be women we want our daughters to be.
10. Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.
11. It’s no longer a question of can I do it. It’s a question of: Do I want to do it?
12. There’s nothing more daring than showing up, putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen.
13. In our moments of most intense joy, we realize how vulnerable we are.
14. You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness.
15. What would you be glad that you did…. EVEN if you failed?
16. We are sick and tired of being sick and tired.. Definition of courage: Tell your story with all your heart.
17. We cannot give our children what we don’t have.
18. You are imperfect & you are wired for struggle; but you are worthy of love & belonging.
19. Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.
20. Talk about your failures without apologizing.
21. It’s not about “what can I accomplish?” but “what do I want to accomplish?” Paradigm shift.
22. Think about what’s pleasurable, not just what’s possible.
23. Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect.
24. You can’t dress rehearse the bad moments.
25. Want to be happy? Stop trying to be perfect.

OK… we get a Facebook message this morning from a friend, “Did you see the escaped boat people this morning?”  I had no idea what in the world she was talking about.  Finally, by the end of the day we get the story.  Turns out there were 150 Haitians (kids I should say, around 18) on a boat for 10 days.  They had no food or water.  It costs each person/family $2,000 to get on that boat.  They each had to have $50 in their hand for when they landed.  They would need that to get to the Muds.  The Muds is where the Haitians live here in the Bahamas.  Each of these kids were on that boat coming here, looking for a better life for their family.  They can find a little work here.  But something went wrong, they were almost here and the boat hit the reef and sunk.  Several residents here supposedly saved several of them from drowning.   They were all skinning and hungry.  Once they hit land, they would take off running, to hid in the bush.  All of these kids need to get to town.  The police discovered the situation and supposedly 40 were found.  The balance, sad to say, may have drown.  If caught, they are taken back to town, shipped to Nassau to put in jail.  If by chance, they have money, they might could buy their way out of jail and into the muds.  Most are sent  back to their home country, Haiti.  WOW!  What do we ever complain about?

I know you are thinking, …..WHAT?  How hard could it be?  You’re in paradise!  That I am and loving every moment.  However,  I have been reading about finding joy for the last week and there is a difference in happiness, peace and joy!  Joy is what I want, passionately.

Happiness is an emotion that is based on outside sources.  You feel it when someone does something for you, with you, around you.  It’s external and it’s a bit over-rated.

Peace is a state of serenity we can get in at times.  It feels amazing, until the phone rings, the baby cries or you wake up, figuratively speaking.

Joy, on the other hand is a state of the heart that can not be affected by any outside sources.  You alone can control whether you have it or not.  No one can mess with your joy, unless you give them permission.  So, how do I find it?

First, I am pretty sure I need to start with myself.  I have this tendency to seek approval from others.  Hey, I need to come to the realization that I can’t please everyone and I don’t need to.  It is so not necessary.  As much as I would like to be perfect, I am a long way off.  I am however a work in progress.  God is ok with that, so I guess I should be as well.

Second, I need to find what I treasure in life.  I have found that you can treasure a marriage, kids, friends, or even things.  They will all let you down at some point.   Joy must come from treasuring the fact that God’s agenda is much better than my own.  I am working on this one.

Third, Let go of the past.  Be present in the now.  Bygones by Bygones, right?  Easier said than done!  You can wreck your joy thinking about your past.  I will try not to dwell on the shame, guilt and hurt I have experienced in my life.  I know you are disappointed… but I am NOT perfect.  Dwelling on those things will keep you in a deep dark hole, I know that from experience.  It’s a choice.

Fourth, Be present in the now!  This one is a biggy!  I am very guilty of NOT experiencing moments myself.  I am working hard on this one though.  I need to put the cell phone down when I am with other people and be all in.  I need to learn to clear my mind of all the clutter going on up there.  Develop new relationships by listening and sharing.  Being in the moment allows you to see, hear and feel in a new way.  That my friends in pure joy.

Fifth, I need to try to give something away everyday.  Can’t be that hard.  Give encouragement.  Someone may need an extra pair of hands, I need to pay attention.  Hold a baby, to give a Mom a break.  A biggy is forgive.  Giving something away gives you and the receiver something special, so why not?

Sixth, and lastly, Glory in what you have.    Here’s a few things I glory in:  Being in this place, sunrises and sunsets, music, dancing, and laughter.

What brings you joy? Just sayin’